how to lose 5 pounds in one day
by Bella Rum
Me: Don’t you already weigh in the 170s?
H: I told him I weigh 172 in the morning with no clothes. He wants me to weigh in the 170s with clothes on.
Me: Everyone always weighs a little more at the doctor’s office and in clothes, but I don’t get it. If you only weigh 172, you should still easily be in the 170s with clothes. So, how much do you weigh in his office?
Me: 182!? Are you serious? 182? That’s ten pounds! That’s a big difference.
H: I know.
Me: Do you weigh with your shoes on.
Me: Are you kidding? Take your shoes off! You would never see a woman weighing with her shoes on!
H: smug smile
Me: I’m not kidding. Slip out of your shoes. That’s a pound or two.
H: I guess you think I should take the change out of my pockets.
H: And what about this?
He hands me one of those knives that transforms into pliers, scissors, can opener, dish washer. It weighs at least a half pound and it has it’s own case that he straps to his belt. He uses it at work. Then there’s his phone.
Me: Look. I’m going to tell you how to do this. TAKE the darned shoes off before you weigh. Take a zip lock bag with you, remove everything from your person that’s heavy, put it in the bag and leave it in the car. Then weigh in.
H: Are you serious?
Me: As a heart attack, brother.
About five minutes later.
Me: I really can’t believe you’ve been wearing your shoes to weigh in. Can’t believe it!
H: Yeah, I guess those steel toes are pretty heavy.
Me: You didn’t just say that.
Me: … rolling on floor…. laughing…. gasping … moaning — more laughing…. gasping…moaning…
The man has been weighing in steel toe shoes, y’all.